Your Stories - Joe

One thing we know, from setting up and running Moot for the past year and a bit, is that underwear is an emotional business. 

We also know that as humans, we need emotional connections. We need to know that we are not alone, and we all, on some level, seek the comfort in finding spaces where there are other people who shine back at us, those things which make us feel happy about ourselves. 

If you are a man who likes to wear beautiful underwear, there is a very high chance that you have learned that this is wrong and that you are weird. When anyone is marginalised, for any sort of difference, there is a strength and a joy in finding a group where you are not the different one. Where you feel safe. Where you find belonging and acceptance. Where you are understood. 

We don't know where this space is for men who like our underwear. We have no group. Furthermore, if you are also a straight guy, you are not part of the Pride Family and that's not your space to find support in. It can be a lonely path to walk upon and so many men feel shamed for wanting to wear what they want to wear. 

Very generally, and forgive a sweeping statement, men are less likely than women to talk about the emotional connections they experience. We decided that we can offer a bit of a 'safe space' for sharing that emotional experience here - we emailed our subscribers and offered the opportunity to write, anonymously if preferred, or with your name included (which Joe chose to do) about how you have experienced the emotional side of your lifestyle choice, and how other people have affected and responded to your choices. 

We will send Joe a thank you gift for his brave and beautiful writing, and want to publicly thank him for being the first of our group to share his story. 

It would be absolutely wonderful if we could offer supportive comments to Joe at the end and start to build a bit of a safe space here. You don't need to put your full name to the comment, your email will not be shown. 

I will remove any negative words. They do not belong on our Moot blog. 

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"It all began when I was around seven or eight years old. I can remember the first time flipping through the Sears Christmas catalog. There was a particular section that I could not stop looking at and had no idea why other than it excited me. The women’s lingerie pages made me think and feel things like never before. Why didn’t they have these things for me? I wonder what it would feel like? Why am I even thinking this? I shouldn’t be thinking this I’m a boy. Overtime I decided to see for myself exactly what I was thinking in my mind and began searching my mothers drawers. The first time I tried on those silky smooth nylon pink panties with lace waistband I felt something beyond explanation. Why am I feeling this way? Why does it feel so good? I couldn’t stop thinking about it… I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing this but maybe that’s what made me want to do it even more… Overtime my mother noticed things weren’t the way they should be in her drawer. She asked me if I had been in her room and I said no for fear of the unknown. I continued to deny these desires and was caught in the act. After a discussion with my parents on why this is not what little boys are supposed to do, I continued to repress my previous feelings, excitement, and exploration.

I remember the first time walking in to a store looking for, feeling, and wanting to wear the silky panties on display. I must’ve been 12 at the time and yet worried someone would see me and think something was wrong with me. Each time, I would leave the store ashamed and without the items I so desperately wanted to wear. It wasn’t until I was 15 and able to drive that I finally purchased my first pair of silky satin string bikini panties. I could not wait to try them on and went in the bathroom before I even left the store. I WAS HOOKED. I bought more… I threw them all away… I felt shame… I felt excitement… I continued this self conflicting and detrimental process into and after college.

Putting on my first satin slip and sneaking into bed with my wife hoping she wouldn’t touch me gave me enjoyment, fear, and satisfaction all over again.

I continue to struggle with my desires and my partners throughout the years hoping they would accept this part of me and even partake in it like a fantasy. The therapist said it was fine you just need to accept it yet I couldn’t. There was something wrong with me; something not normal. I was becoming a dad. Dad‘s aren’t supposed to do this. Every time I felt shame, yet every time I couldn’t stop. What am I a cross dresser? Gay? Do I want to be a girl? Do I just want to wear panties and lingerie every single day? So conflicted yet still a deep burning desire to never stop. I prayed that this would go away. I prayed I had never seen those pages in that catalog. Although the professionals said it was OK and my partners went along with it, I still could not accept it. I knew I was not alone in this, I knew there were others like me. But, I felt so alone.

Overtime in many years passed this, i’m beginning to accept myself. I wear what I want, when I want and love every minute of it. When I’m alone I should say. I still find it hard to wear lingerie or even panties in front of my wife. I still feel shame. I still feel different. I am continuing to accept who I am and hope one day to fully embrace it regardless of the situation and what anyone thinks. Websites like yours and a few others have helped me in this process. Thank you for all you do and the slight comfort you’ve brought others like me.

I guess to summit all up… I am not a crossdresser and I do not want to be a girl. My name is Joe Anderson. I simply love to wear panties and lingerie and I’m truly starting to feel like that is OK.